reflection – Page 3 – Just another WordPress site

Back to nature

Can I stop this moment, please?

I’m too excited to see what’s beyond this wonderful view…

It’s a piece of green… Blue… A little white to blend them perfectly.

Hmmm… What’s that at the curve?

That’s the road we’re passing before… Now it turn to a small line… Haha… That’s cute…

And……

Aha…. There’s a farm over there…

It now turn into pattern…

Pattern that richened the complete picture…

Where am I?

I’m standing high at the very top… Looking down… without worry of falling down…

Close my eyes… Feeling the wind blow through my body…

Smelling the fragrance…

Listening to the sound of nature…

The sound of peace…

And somehow…. I’m feeling free….

Kristin_chan

Wishing my camera lense can capture the scene better than my eyes…

30 minutes

How long is actually 30 minutes?

It was a 9 days retreat with 3 rules only. Less food, less sleep, less talk. So we can only deal with ourself. Keep mindful all the time.

Then how long do you think is 30 minutes?

I made my own schedule. At least 15 hours meditation a day, 30 minutes in each session. Things seem easy at first, for I’m used to 30 minutes meditation, but through the day, it turned out tough. The body was tired, so as the mind. Felt my forehead beating slow. My legs numb. Where’s the peace? I kept searching, but the mind went wild. A little disctraction raised my temper. This self was uncontrollable. The spirit started to fade, the mind kept exclaiming, “Where is the peace???”.

I’m no longer struggling with my mind, but 30 minutes. It turned out to be a great enemy. What took you so long? You are moving too slow! Are you trying to fool me? Don’t play with me, move on!!! With this young and wild mind, I was lost.

I was tired. Tired with my own mind. So I started to lay down, looking around, BORED. “Yes, I am bored.” my mind said in silence. I decided to give my self a break. I stopped forcing my body to sit straight. I stopped racing with my mind, stopped catching it, stopped blaming even it kept wandering around. I just stopped… in the silence…

I saw people sitting in peace. Looked at the teacher’s statue. Walked around, feeling the fresh air passing through my hair. Stand still and slowly close my eyes. Peace…

It was me. I was too busy to fight with myself. It was me making enemy with the time. 30 minutes is 30 minutes. It’s still, calm and consistent. But me, in my good time, I wished 30 minutes to move slow so I can enjoy just a little bit longer. But in the bad time, I forced 30 minutes to run fast. Sorry, my friend. Thanks for your time 🙂

The Wisdom to accept reality

Reality is not always align with our wish.

We cannot change what had happened, but we can change our wish to align with the reality.

This is what we call the wisdom to accept reality.

The more we are able to accept, less will be the suffer and happines will be easier to gain.

Kristin

Back to town

Hidupkah?

Hidup tapi mati

Bernyawa namun tak berisi

Bergerak tanpa makna

Bernafas namun tak terasa

Bahagia lalu sedih

Tertawa lantas menangis

Terjatuh atau berhasil

Yang pasti, hidup akan mati…

Lalu apa artinya hidup?

Berjuang sepenuh hati namun tak berarti

Lahir, tua, sakit lalu mati…

Mengapa masih tak menempa diri?

Nafas

Dekat, namun tak tersentuh

Nyata, namun tak terasa

Ada, tapi tak terjamah

Lembut, namun ulet

Tenang, terus menemani walau teracuh…

Kurasakan kehadiranmu dalam sekejap, lalu tak terasa lagi

Kucoba lagi mengamati gerakanmu, tapi kau malah pergi

Kucoba lagi mengejar, menangkapmu, tapi mengapa kau seakan menghilang?

Hidup, namun tak bernafas…

Bergerak namun tak pernah sadar…

Apa bedanya dengan mati?

Just another thought

Sorry for this mind cant stop thinking. Long enough i left my meditation and this mind is uncontrolable. Can’t even control the action. Thinking to sit few times, but the ass won’t move. Whose fault?

Always try my best to tolerate. To walk along with the mainstream. And keep the thinking inside.
Try to be the sky that blend well with the cloud, but i’m now the black cloud.

This logic and idealism i adore the most, seem unmatched with the heart. Which should be followed? Many times that i ignore the heart just to be realistic. The pain hurt so bad but the ego cure me well. Hmmm… not so well to be honest…

So now… when everything is realistic enough, why is this heart not able accept? The normal life i always dream of, seems not align with the heart. What’s going on?

If i start again from the beginning, will i still able to bear with another trial? If i keep on going and ignore the heart, am i planting the seed of pain to the future?

I’m now the black cloud… when will i rain?

Simple but tough

Life is so simple but we often make it tough.
Through the lots of applications in my device, i just realise that i have no apps to type a note.
Through the whole busy days, i often found myself has done nothing in the end.
Through the all achivements, i found myself missing the simplest happiness.
Is it simple or complex actually?

I like it this way
You like it that way
I’ll do it like this and you may do it like that.
Even if the world say you’re right and i’m wrong, i’ll keep doing this way as this is already my way.
Why do we need to worry about the difference?

Walking against the mainstream is always tough.
But if you enjoy it, why do u need to worry about others thought.
As long as our heart say it’s right and no one is harmed then why worry?

you set your target and i set mine.
you have your life and i have mine
Why so serious?
We’ll all die anyway

The time when I need god

I’ve forgotten who is god…
Any god in general. Whether it’s with the capital “G” or with a “g” instead. From any religion. Any culture or country…
I have not been bothering them for years…
Since i convince myself that whatever happen to me is because of my ownself and whatever will happen next is depend on what i do today.

Tired of the arguments about god existence, I started to stop bothering god. Whether he is ever existed or not. If he does, he should be thankful that i have stopped making any request over him. If he doesn’t, well that’s just allright.

So when i was doing my small lung surgery, i was so scared. I was half paralyzed but i can still feel the doctor doing her tasks. Feeling unbareably scared, i dropped my tears. Trying to keep my idealism by meditating, focusing on my breathe but it didn’t work. Suddenly any kind of mantras, i remember popped up from my mind and i kept mumbling, praying, even i don’t know to whom i was praying.

Soonest the surgery is over, i somehow thought, is this the time when god is really needed? Is this how god being thought at the very first place?

Dear god,
It’s not that i doubt on your existance, god. But i just wanna do it all myself, on my own. And until when i cannot stand on my own strength anymore, i will call you again.

Your dearest,
Kristin
10 April 2013

I was here

You will notice me
I’ll be leaving my mark like initials carved in an old oak tree
You wait and see
Maybe I’ll write like Twain wrote
Maybe I’ll paint like Van Gogh
Cure the common cold
I don’t know but I’m ready start cause I know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters
Say something different
Something that sets the whole world on its ear
I wanna do something better
With the time I’ve been given
And I wanna try
To touch a few hearts in this life
Leave nothing less
Than something that says “I was here”

I will prove you wrong
If you think I’m all talk, you’re in for a shock
Cause this dream’s too strong
And before too long
Maybe I’ll compose symphonies,
Maybe I’ll fight for world peace
Cause I know it’s my destiny
To leave more than a trace of myself in this place

And I know that I will do more than just pass through this life
I’ll leave nothing less than something that says “I was here”
“I was here”(I was here)
“I was here”(wanna do something that matters)
(Something that says I was here)
“wanna do something that matters”(Something that says I was here)
“I was here”

7April2013
Still here

Facing the dead zone

It’s funny that we never realize how important life is until we are close to the death. It’s funny also to see how we and our body react towards the death. Everything suddenly seems not right. Even when we have try to pretend it’s alright, the body just do not compromized. The body is also afraid of the death?

Remembering a book “No death no fear”. I’m trying to remind myself, there’s no such things as death. But suddenly i realize it’s not the death i’m afraid of, but it’s the leaving instead.

Especially when you are close to the death, you’ll see those people love you, their attention, their prayer that keep you alive. You probably won’t remember them once you’re gone. But you just wish to spend much more time, do more things with them, for them, so that when you really gone, they’ll have more than something to remembering you.

As Robin Sharma said, “you have to make it as when you are born, the people laugh but you cry. And when you die, the people cry but you laugh.” It doesn’t sound mean at all.

Well, I’m half way there. But i’m always ready.

6 April 2013
Challenging life

Lost by own tricks

It’s really funny to see how our mind play its tricks.
Good will not be always good.
So as the bad.
How can it be differentiate?
Does differentiating really important?
When our mind is still uncontrollable, how to decide which is which?

Today’s truth might be tomorrow’s lie.
What should we trust?
When even our own mind can’t be trusted.
When this mind suddenly love the bad and deny the good.
How do we live in this dualism?

Should we keep on pretending to love the, what we believe as, good?
Or should we just let go everything?
Get back to zero point.
And start a new searching of the hidden truth…

19Feb2013
Lost again