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Loneliness

Loneliness, what doest it mean?
Being all alone with no one care about you?
Living your whole live without anyone beside you?
Or… simply being alone…

We are all born alone…
And will all die alone…
Walk our own path…
Live our own live…
Why can’t we get used with it?

Escape to the crowd…
Begging for help from the rescuer called friends…
But by the end of the day, it’s always still you and yourself…

One come, one leave…
No one stays forever… Simply as nothing last forever…
Just try the best to leave the best memory in everyone’s mind…
Just to be remembered…
Just for not being forgotten…

But what is that for…?

Kristin_Chan
Thinking again…

Grow a day older

See the sunrise
Now it’s time for us
to pack up all the past
And find what truly last

If everything has been written down, so why worry, we say
It’s you and me with a little love and sanity
If life is ever changing, so why worry, we say
It’s still you and I with silly smile as we wave goodbye

And how will it be?
Sometimes we just can’t see
A neighbor, a lover, a joker
Or a friend you can count on forever?
How happy, how tragic, how sorry?
The sun’s still up and life remains a mystery

So, would it be nice to sit back in silence?
Despite of all the wisdom and the fantasies
Having you close to my heart as I say a little grace
I’m thankful for this moment cause I know that you…

Grow a day older and see
how this sentimental fool can be
When she tries to write a birthday song
When she thinks so hard to make your day
When she’s getting lost in all her thoughts
When she waits a whole day to say…

I’m thankful for this moment cause I know that I…
Grow a day older and see
how this sentimental fool can be
When he aches his arms to hold me tight
When he picks up lines to make me laugh
When he’s getting lost in all his calls
When we can’t wait to say
I love you…

If everything has been written down, so why worry, we say
It’s you and me with a little love and sanity

Dewi Lestari

A 2014 story

And here comes the end of the year again. Time seems to rush uncompromized. Leaving us paralysed… Time to reflect again.

2014 was a common year before an unexpected meeting with a long lost friend. Last met him in 2008 and we met again, unexpected… Sat in a restaurant, just the two of us, chatted over lost years. I sat, mostly quiet, listened to his stories. Before he somehow stopped. He was asking if I’m doing good. I told him a brief story about my lung surgery and convinced him that everything is already alright and I’m all good. He was quiet and said that I’m not good. I didn’t look as happy as I was back in 2008. He told me I changed to a more negative way. He checked about my work? my personal life? my meditation progress? And so on. I insisted I have nothing wrong with me. I have better job, better earning. But is that the parameter of happiness?

Even after the meeting I still could not figure out what’s wrong. I kept thinking. Somehow I felt there’s something wrong with me. Something that I thougt was right, but never felt right. Something that I tried to enjoy so much but I kept failing. And I was still holding on, as I was so afraid of the changes. I kept convincing myself that this is the best… for everyone… and for me… But I was unhappy. I knew that I was not happy.

Reaching some point of the long thinking, I decided to make the changes. I tried to tell myself the worse case caused by the changes and prepared myself for all the consequences.

And so I did it…

It was very tough at first. People around were mad. They are not happy with my decision. I tried to explain. Some of them cannot accept and left. But I was not alone. This was the point when I learnt to find out, what they called “real friend”. They stayed with me and helped me passing through the pain. They are my friends 🙂

And through time, things are now getting better. At least it’s better for now. And when I look back, I feel glad with the changes I made. It made me grow to be a better person. And yeah, I’m now 30. I hope that I do not only grow old but also grow wiser.

And most importantly, I’m happy.

31 Dec 2014
Texting my old friend wishing him a happy new year
Happy New Year everyone…!!!

Ready for the challenge

Hmmm…
What’s this again?
All those stuffs I like are no longer interesting
Can’t really focus on whatever I’m doing
One thing keeps distracting my mind

No longer young…
Lot’s of love I’ve been through…
Lot’s of sadness, the broken, the falling…
Now it seems like I’ve never been through this before…
Really?

Try to calm down, clear up my mind…
To be balance, to hold on, to stand on the current…
Keep following the flow but not being drown…
But I’m already drown…
Too deep…

I think I understand the law…
Happiness, sadness…
The meeting, the leaving…
Now I’m high up in the sky, drown in my own imagination…
And when I try to wake up, the other me refuse to wake up…

I know the end will come very soon…
As there’s no day without night…
There’ll be time when I’m being slammed right on the ground…
But I’ve chosen to enjoy the current…
I choose to enjoy the flow…
I think I’m ready for the risk…
Am I?

Kristin_chan
Am I ready?

Time Keeper

It was early in the morning on my second day retreat when we were on discussion with the teacher.

“Let’s not be a time keeper. Utilize our time.” The teacher said.

It was simple advised but somehow stabbed right into my mind. “Am I really utilizing my time? Or I’m just killing time, waiting for the timer to ring.”

I didn’t sleep the night before, meditated day and night, somehow I’m so enthusiast “collecting the time”, thinking to break my record, so that I could proudly tell everyone. But am I really meditating? Or I’m just a time keeper? What was on my mind during that time? I didn’t know.

Meditation is a miniature of our real life. Death is represented by the timer. The timer will surely ring, you don’t need to wait. Death will surely come, you don’t need to search for it. But what do we do during the time? Are we just a time keeper? Filling it with our greed, craving, hatred, or ignorance?

Have we utilized our time? Have we done something really matter to our surrounding? Or simply to ourselves? And so when the timer rang, what left is only contentment. Have i?

Kristin_chan

August 14, 2014

Free

There are time when you need to hold on tight…
There are time for you to just set free…
There are time when you don’t need to run…
But just stop…
Look around…
and simply smile…

I’m alive…

Turn around

Everybody aim to be happy

What else are we searching?

In every single move of our activity…

Even if we do kill ourselves…

It’s for our happiness too…

To get rid of the suffering… of the pain that bind our life…

But we often forget the core of happiness…

It was often camouflage by the custom law…

Which is the common tradition and which is not…

When all the commons turn out to be right

And all the uncommons turn out wrong…

You no longer remember your purpose…

Then you started to bear very hard with the unhappiness…

Just to stay in common line…

Just to look normal…

But you suffer so much…

Did you just say, ”happiness should come from inside”?

Yes, it is…

But it requires no out force…

It has to come on it’s own and leave no trace in your heart…

No unwillingness… no sadness…

Yes there will be pain… But no suffering…

You are just happy doing all that…

With no reason…

When you aren’t …

Maybe it’s time to reflect…

To understand better which and what…

Step aside from the mist surrounding…

There’s no need to regret…

You just need to carefully turn around and select new choices laid ahead…

Before you start to step into the new mist…

Kristin_chan

Taking new path…

A little knock

There are times when we thought we are awake, but we were not aware

There are times when we thought we go somewhere, but we went nowhere

There are times when we thought we are right, but it created fight

Well, it’s not sometimes, but most of the times…

Many times that logic kills sincerity…

Many times that inteligent kills serenity…

When praised turn into threath…

When we live as if we are death…

Let’s give ourself a little knock…

A little knock from a good friend, brighten the day…

A little knock from a guru, shows the way…

A little knock from the short sit, to fix our conscious…

Knock knock knock…

A little knock a day, keep us back to the right track…

3 April 2014

Kristin_Chan

How

How to change?

When this self is turning so big…

And your surround can’t seem to fit…

How to stop?

When you feel you have enough

But your greed want more to grab…

How to accept?

When things that you dream of,

Doesn’t look as good as it was…

When all the theories are just theories…

When all the advices are just advices…

When knowing is simply knowing…

When you feel you understand and you sure you understand…

But there’s nothing to do…

As you just don’t do…

Kristin_chan

reflecting

A conversation with myself

Hmm… Here it comes again…
The dying sense…
Fear…
Of the upcoming suffering…

It’s not here yet…
Ah no… It’s here already…
I don’t need the doctor to tell me my problem…
I’ve been to it twice…
And that genious told me i’ve totally recovered…
But why does it keep coming???

Take a deep breathe…
Try to fight it…
Keep my lungs full with air…
Fighting it from getting collapse…

Damn…
Am i really fighting it…
Or i’m fighting nothing but my own trauma???

Damn…
I hate doctors…
I hate them telling me i’m alright when this pain keep coming…
Should i go see him again?

I hate to admit but I’m afraid…

i can’t bear for the bad news…
I can bear with any kind of pain but I can’t bear for more tears on her eyes…
I can bear lying helpless but i can’t bear being useless…

I have plans to do…
I have promise to keep…
I have responsibilities…
I have future…

God… Is it now that i need your strength again?

Kristin
I’m fine…