I’ve forgotten who is god…
Any god in general. Whether it’s with the capital “G” or with a “g” instead. From any religion. Any culture or country…
I have not been bothering them for years…
Since i convince myself that whatever happen to me is because of my ownself and whatever will happen next is depend on what i do today.
Tired of the arguments about god existence, I started to stop bothering god. Whether he is ever existed or not. If he does, he should be thankful that i have stopped making any request over him. If he doesn’t, well that’s just allright.
So when i was doing my small lung surgery, i was so scared. I was half paralyzed but i can still feel the doctor doing her tasks. Feeling unbareably scared, i dropped my tears. Trying to keep my idealism by meditating, focusing on my breathe but it didn’t work. Suddenly any kind of mantras, i remember popped up from my mind and i kept mumbling, praying, even i don’t know to whom i was praying.
Soonest the surgery is over, i somehow thought, is this the time when god is really needed? Is this how god being thought at the very first place?
Dear god,
It’s not that i doubt on your existance, god. But i just wanna do it all myself, on my own. And until when i cannot stand on my own strength anymore, i will call you again.
Your dearest,
Kristin
10 April 2013