I no longer remember when was my last time doing sitting session. I was too busy with myself, with all my activities, I no longer know why I need to sit. Even until now, in my terribly bad time, I also don’t want to sit. I don’t want to use it as an escape. I don’t know. But I think I’m wrong?
Feel like the most unlucky person in this world. Feel like facing the worst moment in my lifetime. Keep holding the feeling inside the chest, feel like wanting to throw out. In my silence, I found it familiar…
I went to retreat once a year. I thought I understand but I don’t think I have the real understanding why I have to learn controlling myself, why I have to fight myself. Especially when there’s no problem at all. Silly…
Teacher said meditation is a miniature of our real life. It’s a practice on how to face problems in our daily life. And meditation is not only in the retreat. We have to practice daily. To become the master of our own mind every day.
I thought I understand. But I never follow his advice.
Retreat is a very boring session. When you have to sit and meditate 15 hours a day, with minimum 30minutes a session. We may not sleep before we completed the 15 hours. And after we sleep, we have to restart the hour from zero. It’s not easy at all. The feeling when you are so bored dealing with your own mind, fighting the other you inside. How you hold yourself to continue sitting when the other you was screaming to stop. Then you kept holding yourself and it’s stuck in your chest ‘till you want to throw out… Ring the bell? Yes, It’s exactly the same…
I remember I talked to teacher about that. He said, it’s because of my own greed. The greed of doing what I liked to do, what I used to do. The greed of not getting controlled. I may just give up sitting and go to sleep. But he said, I won’t be able to give up that easily in the real life. In life there are time when you have to do what you don’t like. When you have to give up your happiness. When you are hurt so bad, but there’s nothing you can do. If you don’t practice now, then when?
We always set the timer everytime we meditate. Even we know exactly how long we set the timer, we never know when it will ring. The more you waited, the longer the time will be. But once you started to enjoy, it will be over very soon.
Yes it will be over soon.
Kristin_chan
Writing more to kill time